my head is full of flames [entries|friends|calendar] . [ website | _ ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[Monday February 5th, 2007 @ 5:25pm] [ music | bjork-isabel ] i feel too tired to form complete sentences wassup so far in 2007: -josh and i broke up. would have been one year next month, but it needed to happen. holding onto nothing. but baby's still my best friend forever -died my hair red. lookin hot! -i got two badass weed connects. i met this man named alfonso who comes into sushi zushi often. he's got mah back. -nice slow boy -teni. forever -kenji and alison and weed and barszszszz -i've been slacking in school which SUCKS so i'm only going to smoke friday, saturday and holidays because i have no self control. getting back on track man! -i've had a runny nose for a month!!!! what the fuck these allergies are ludicrous! -i've got a knack for rapping -love my job and everyone who works there doing well :) &9 wake up innocent

[Tuesday January 30th, 2007 @ 11:08pm] [ mood | fucked ] [ music | black cab ] damn i can't fucking trust anyone.

[Tuesday January 16th, 2007 @ 10:02am] [ mood | relaxed ] [ music | teni's mix cd ] i like the way my body odor smells sometimes. light and musky and human. i'm really strange when i don't take my prozac. i guess it's better to be neutral than alive and manic, and then crash down to the bottom of nothing, but i'm not really complaining, just stating. i'm not in a bad place right now, it's awesome. i don't really care about sharing my personal life with people sometimes. i really don't care what they may think. sometimes i just like to talk to hear myself talk, reminding myself i'm still capable of thinking, creating, being, and sharing, functioning as one would normally do so. i like talking to myself a lot, and singing to myself. there are a lot of weird things people do when they're by themselves. i have a good feeling about this year, it's not going to be magical or spectacular, but i think for the most part it'll run pretty smoothly. i'm making good grades again. i've been around bro, and now i'm back on track. idk what i'm talking about it's early ice days are awesome, later! oh yeah, i misplaced my little black journal and i'm so worried about where it is!!! :( i think i left it at work. i got a job at sushi zushi as a hostess about a month ago, it's pretty sweet but damn, i need that journal back :'( &4 wake up innocent

[Thursday December 28th, 2006 @ 11:10am] [ music | tilly and the wall-"let it rain" ] these holidays were nice. i love my loud mexican family and i love tamales. i don't really like christmas though, for all the same reasons everyone else hates christmas: shopping mania, receiving clothes you'll never wear, being confused as you try to find the connection between the birth of jesus and feeling obligated to buy people gifts. and the holiday gluttony! i am realizing who people really are, and who i can be. i never noticed how superficial some people are! and i never stopped and thought about who i could be if i didn't allow myself to be stulitfied by drug addicts. i know i am capable of great things, by my standards. i also know that i am capable of great things by society's standards, for whatever that is worth. i'm interested in meeting more introverted people who would like to hang out with me in a small room with a little boom box happy holidays, guys! :) &9 wake up innocent

[Thursday November 23rd, 2006 @ 8:10pm] [ mood | high ] [ music | animal collective-"bees" ] my favorite thing to do is get high by myself and listen to music &10 wake up innocent

[Sunday November 5th, 2006 @ 8:52pm] [ music | camera obscura-"keep it clean" ] you have to make your own happiness. do it, all of you! if i can, you most likely can too, because i've fucked up a lot and i am still standing and it's unfair and i think every day for the rest of my life it will be just as difficult and strenuous to make myself get out of bed every morning, but i think that's the hardest part. most of the time i'm glad i didn't die. &6 wake up innocent

[Monday October 23rd, 2006 @ 8:02am] i am breaking, finally. i'm not holding anything back, and no one seems to like it very much, but i couldn't keep my composure forever.

[Sunday October 15th, 2006 @ 2:52pm] [ mood | EATING ALL DAY LONG. MUST DIE. ] [ music | Belle and Sebastian-"String Bean Jean" ] well, i suppose things are looking up! i guess? today is our seventh month anniversary, and it's kind of lame that i'm sitting at the computer writing about it, instead of spending the day with josh, but he'll pick me up soon when he's less drunk i suppose. sometimes, when i think about our relationship, and really dissect it, it's a little fucked in some ways, but we truly do love each other. i think drugs just make everything worse, over an extended period of time of course. they put a lot of distance between us. this is still one of my favorite songs :) i'm really boring l8r 8) She asked me "Do I need to lose a bit of weight?" And I told her "Don't be stupid 'cause you're looking great" And I call her String Bean Jean because the label on her jeans says Seven to eight years old, well that's pretty small Seven to eight years old, that's pretty small &2 wake up innocent

[Monday October 9th, 2006 @ 3:20pm] i don't have anything relatively bright to talk about. i don't want to use broad words like "everything" and "always" because i don't want to exaggerate anything more than i should. but lately it has been difficult to maintain optimism, and i think i have grown to be a more optimistic person :) but my surroundings and my choices hinder me from doing so. for example, my mother only tries to protect me, and this angers me because i simply want to destroy myself. i am upset with her but in actuality, it's only me. another example, my boyfriend had cheated on me with two other girls, but i usually receive what i deserve. we're not happy anymore. sometimes love is not enough. i miss my nasal cartilage. i sometimes wish i had never touched cigarettes or drugs, because now i have a consistent cough, different-shaped nostrils, and lower level of serotonin. sometimes i want to die, but that's ok with me because i'll never act on in. i can't say whether i lack the courage or the cowardice. &2 wake up innocent

[Monday August 28th, 2006 @ 8:23pm] [ music | Radiohead-"Knives Out" ] i've started biting my nails again. i've been able to muster the motivation for my school work, but nothing else, not even my friends. i like talking to melissa a lot because we don't know each other that well so it's nice, tranquilly refreshing to lay everything out. any other time with any other person, it's probably just for shock factor. has anyone noticed that i have more color to my face now? my eyes are not so heavy. i appear happier, if you will. have you noticed? i hadn't really. i still feel the same basically. the only distinct difference now though, is that i actually feel. i live. i used to think i was living, but i see now that it was only with the help of whatever that little baggy may have contained. i guess it's like that cliche phrase people say sometimes, "living to die, dying to live", or something like that. don't really pay any attention to this. i'm in love and loved in many ways, and i've got to keep that on my mind! it's so selfish to self-destruct, i know. but this is the message: improvement. i'm a lot better &4 wake up innocent

[Friday August 18th, 2006 @ 2:46pm] school is coming and i'm not dreading it at all. that's the way summer has been, too, it all just blurs together. i blend into the world easily, effortlessly, gray. i don't want to make myself into someone of significance when i'm older, or be recognized. i just want to teach english, get married, and have a baby. that's all, forever. i just want to be gray. i think the process has already begun. &8 wake up innocent

sweet [Wednesday August 9th, 2006 @ 11:26pm] [ music | modern girls and old fashioned men ] 1. Geometry - Delavan 2. Biology 1 - Swain 3. Spanish 2 - Garcia 4. Health/BCIS - Perez/Cavanuag 5. LUNCH 6. World History AP - Ryan 7. Dance 1 - Aldrich 8. English 2 - Chavez didn't make AP english :l don't have any electives :l freshman year was ok. when it was good, it was really good. and similarly so, when it was bad, it was very bad. i just want to do well in school and lead a life lacking transgression :[ &9 wake up innocent

sorry this post is lame [Wednesday July 26th, 2006 @ 12:17am] [ mood | good ] [ music | the decemberists-"we both go down together" ] i didn't end up attending the cleavers show, but you know, that's ok i just wanted to go and support them and yeh but it's fine i spent a lovely evening with josh instead i always have such a great time with him, no matter what we do tonight he bought me cute lil black boy shorts panties and then we watched seinfeld season one and goddamn i just love that boy to pieces, and i hate when stupid things and people interfere with our relationship and today i had such a fantastic day with my mom! stan's givin her big bucks so we went shopping at foley's because they're having a close out sale! and i got two pretty sweet dresses for real cheap! and then we went to nordstrom so my mom could pick up some of her favorite perfume, which didn't cost anything because she has a gift card, AND THEN because they had this thing with a purchase of $27.50 or more you get a free make up kit in a sweet lil bag, but the perfume was double that amount, so we got two! and then we ate at kona grill and it was happy hour so all appetizers were half off! i mean wtf man! it was a very luxurious day. so the whole ride home i expected us to die in a car accident. ok bye :] &9 wake up innocent

[Saturday July 22nd, 2006 @ 11:11pm] [ mood | happy that i got to see josh ] [ music | nirvana-"the man who sold the world"(unplugged cover) ] i like to let my thoughts flow into this, but at the same time i censor them cautiously. i am at my dad's house, yeah that always bums me out, but it's not so bad. and he told some weeks ago, "you know, i don't care what you do, i love you any way!" oh, dad, this feeling is so very mutual it hurts. he eats so unhealthily! he woke me up at 9:30 this morning and handed me a bag of sonic. he eats there all the time. and you know what, i fucking hate sonic. it's disgusting. ice cream's good though, but their food makes me want to vomit so i do. i like to spend time with him though because he's really lonely, and i'll give him about another ten years to live. he's all by himself. i hate to see him sleeping on the couch all day and getting up for midnight snacks, with his damn diabetes. and i deleted two paragraphs i just wrote, bitching about how my dad bitches about everything, but who wants to hear that? and what would it change? and do you know what else? i don't like when people make problems for themselves! but i also understand, because i used to do the very same thing. i guess sometimes when we hurt without explanation, we've got to make miserable messes for ourselves to feel like we have reason to feel so damaged. and craving, needing that sympathy. we've got to know that someone will cry for our desolate tales. stretch the pain, make the holes in our hearts larger in an attempt to make their jaws fall harder. i don't know why people can't just admit it. say it, 'i like people to feel sorry for me.' but it certainly is not everyone, thankfully. well, goodnight. ( survey due to chronic boredom at my dad's house ) &12 wake up innocent

[Wednesday July 19th, 2006 @ 11:59pm] i don't return phone calls from friends, not because i don't want to see them personally, but because i don't want to see anyone. i'm just the slightest bit anti-social. i've been staying pretty sober, and i think this is definitely a factor in why i've been receding into myself. my social life is josh. i'm kind of fine with that. kind of fine. kind of fine? what is that? does anyone seek after empathy? no, we want the fucking sympathy, goddamn it! god damn us so how's your summer &11 wake up innocent

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